Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
