We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
