I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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