What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
