a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
