my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
