Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
