your parents love me but you hate me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
