my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
