Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
