I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
