She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
