Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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