i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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