My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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