Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
