you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
