life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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