i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
