weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
