Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
