I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
