I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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