Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
