found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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