fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
