I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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