Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she woke up with a sticky ear
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
