I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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