Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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