Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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