I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
