Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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