so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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