The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
