took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
