we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
