My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
