I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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