I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
