Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
