I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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