All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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