so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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