ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
