Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
