I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
