If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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