my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you didnt know i had herpes?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
