just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
