There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
